The MOST Important Thing About Your Therapist

If you are looking for a counselor who dresses professionally all the time (and it’s totally fine if you are!)…I’m probably not your gal. However, if you’re looking for a gal who knows how to pair inspirational t-shirts with stretchy pants, then you know who to call!

Jeggings ✔️ Inspirational tee ✔️ Comfy shoes ✔️ Cozy cardigan ✔️...I'm ready to start my day! I struck this pose so you could see the amount of stretch in these pants. To the eye of the beholder, these look like regular jeans. But my waistline knows the truth and appreciates elastic versus the unyielding discomfort of denim. 🤢

Do you know what the primary predictor of successful therapy is? THE THERAPEUTIC ALLIANCE! That is, your ability to form a connection with your therapist. There are a gazillion therapeutic interventions and theories that a counselor can utilize. But if you ain’t got the connection, it’s all for naught.

Kind of reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13--the famous “love chapter” in the Bible: “if I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.”

I can pull out my expensive and fancy EMDR-tactile-bi-lateral-stimulation device and use it ad nauseum. (If you don’t know what that is, you’re in good company...it’s basically just a remote with buzzers at the end. I use it for some pretty cool stuff but that’s a story for another day). I can wow you with my knowledge of the parasympathetic nervous system. Or educate you about the research supporting mindfulness. Heck, I can even bust out some fancy yoga moves, teaching you how to simultaneously release trauma AND get a nice stretch in your butt. But if you don’t like me or don’t feel connected to me, NONE OF THIS MATTERS! It is but a resounding gong and a clanging cymbal. Obnoxious, right?

I don’t mean to minimize education. It’s essentially what differentiates talking to a therapist from talking to a friend. We are extensively trained in strategies to help people live their best life. We learn how to educate our clients. We prompt and challenge them to make lasting change. We help them to become the experts in their own lives rather than taking the “here’s what I would do” approach. Education is incredibly important in this field. I spend considerable time and money keeping myself up to date on the latest research within the field. I use my education on a daily basis. But my education does nothing to serve my clients unless we have a connection.

Connection stems from authenticity. And we need that on both ends for therapy to work. If I am expecting my clients to be authentic with me, it’s only fair that I do the same. For me, that literally means wearing stretchy pants every day of the week. I also drink coke for breakfast on occasion. Yes, the beat-up Honda Odyssey in the parking lot belongs to me.

Another selection from my inspirational t-shirt collection

I am a true believer in therapy. In fact, I’ve done my fair share of therapy too. You might be tempted to think, “Oh, she listens to people’s problems all day. That’s got to be tough…that’s probably why she needs therapy.” Of course, compassion fatigue and secondary trauma are real things, but that’s not why I have gone to therapy. I have gone to therapy because I have real problems and haven’t the darndest idea how to fix them.

For my current therapist, I felt the connection quickly. I vividly remember expressing my concern that my young son and I have a “Lucille and Buster mother-boy connection” She understood my obscure pop culture reference immediately and I knew she was the one for me. There was also a day when I was wallowing in shame because I could not manage to keep the aforementioned Honda Odyssey clean. She walked me out to her car and showed me the mess in her backseat. I was not alone anymore. My shame shrunk three sizes that day.

Therapy is the best, y’all. And I’m willing to bet that anyone could benefit from therapy at some point in their life. I truly believe it’s one of the best expressions of self-love we can give ourselves. If you’ve tried therapy before and you didn’t feel that connection, try again. There are a lot of us out there. Therapeutic styles and personalities are as unique and diverse as the day is long. Find someone who can be a true expression of themselves in your presence and where you can feel comfortable enough to reciprocate.